I shouldn't write an entry because I need to leave soon.. I convinced my parents to give me a ride to Masonvlle but they're not leaving for another 10 minutes.

I dunno.

I felt like I wanted to write. I still don't know if I should post my private entry here. I know its not fair, becuse it does explain a lot.. explain exactly what im feeling. but i really really dont want to.

I was browsing my older entries for song lyrics I've posted and came across SO many entries that I've written that are depressing, upset, at the end of my rope, barely hanging on. For the last two years.

I guess that kind of gives me hope in a way. I've survived like this for two years. So, maybe I can keep surviving, you know? For another year.. and then another.. gradually continuing to hold on and trying desperately not to let go.

But I realy don't know how long I can keep pretending that I feel okay. Because outside I look normal, but inside, every second I feel wripped apart, dying.. letting go...

Thank you for being here for me, Jen, tyler, ashlee, jodi, eric, jess (sometimes), my family.. there's not that many of you but I do appreciate it. It helps more than you know, even if you're not doing anything to just know that you're there, that there's something to hold on to... you're really helping to save my life and i love you all for that.

im going to go now. put on my mask and go see a movie and then go to jens and pretend to laugh and be happy.

maybe someday ill actually be able to smile. maybe someday ill be able to say that im happy.. and actually mean it. someday..