~~~No, you know what. i dont give a shit anymore. Im posting this~~~

oh wonderful.

what i was expecting would happen eventually, finally did.

dont know why i even allowed myself to start feeling again, when I knew what would happen.

nobody understands how i feel all the time, nobody unless you are fucking inside my head you have no fuckng idea what i go through every day.

how hard it is to get out of bed, how hard it is to live and be normal and act normal and try and feel normal when inside you feel pain, or absolutely nothign at all.

I dont remember the last time I was truly happy. The last time I laughed and wasn't thinking about dying.. the last time I smiled and giggled and actually was happy for being alive to experience that. The last time that I went to bed and didnt wish i wouldnt wake up so I would have to go through everything all over again.

Dont fucking tell me how i should act. what i should do. Dont tell me why Im feeling this way, dont tell me to just fucking cheer up... Jesus Christ, you dont know me at all. You think you do, but you dotn know what i go through every day that I dont tell a fucking soul, dont show it at all. you dont know because I just let it fade into the distance let it all dissolve into the back of my mind until the day when it gets too much and... BANG, it explodes.

im so torn.. because i just need to feel like i did so long ago again. i need to feel that passion and that connection and that life back into me again. But i cant let myself do that, I cant open up and bring down this shield again because this is where it gets me. I dont want to be so fucking emotional, I dont want to feel so hard. But I either feel nothing, or I feel everything, and either way its screwing me over.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I just dont know what to think anymore, i really dont. I want him, I dont know. Why? Fuck. I dont know. I should just give up, after what tyler told me tonight. its not hopeless, but ti seems like it. bc i know even if something does happen, if something does come out of this, how do i know how im going to feel? is it just going to stop like every other fucking time? ok. i dont expect anyone to understand this. fuck i probabl shouldnt write this here but i guess ive kinda stopped caring... the one thing that is just gonna piss me off is if anyone tells me that they are sorry. i hate ppl pitying me for how i feel because i know there aer only a very limited number of ppl out there who actually give a shit.

*sighs* i dont feel any better writign this out. i should delete this.

fuck. i really really need to get drunk right now. i really need to forget everything.... i really dont know how to save myself. and really hope i can.....