It's interesting, I haven't thought about him in a really long time.. I guess because I haven't seen him or talked to him in almost a year. But I still think about him.. about what it could've been like if it hadn't have been for her. *pause* So I guess in this situation I could be refering to two people, but I'm talking about SG this time.

Although it's strange that I would think about him instead of DB, whom I actually "dated" and actually "loved" (did I love him? I don't know). It almost seems that I feel more for the people that I couldn't/can't have then the ones I did/can. Which is strange. Because I actually *had* something with DB, despite the fact that it was way, way too short... And I didn't have anything with SG. I knew that from the beginning. And he was an asshole.. he treated me like shit, why am I still thinking about him after all these years? I don't understand my mind, especially when it comes to boys. Why do I fall for people so hard... let alone, falling for people I barely know? Like WB? I don't know him at all. I *barely* talk to him, I know nothing about his personality, I've hung out with him once, and even then it was in a crowd and I was more interested in someone else in the group at the time.

And yet, I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about him, when I see him, when I'm talking to him.. when I logged on diaryland today and on recently updated diaries I saw "WB.diaryland.com" and I almost had a heartattack thinking he had an online diary (wrong WB).

I don't know how I let this happen. How I let myself start to crush on ppl again... after ALL the damn good it's done me in the past. Especially someone at work, what a bad idea. It makes for ackwardness, and I don't want that because I like working where I do and with the people that I work with.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just writing down anything that comes to my mind (and there's so many jumbled thoughts up there right now). I don't know. I just wish I could actually have a normal relationship..

I miss having a boyfriend. I miss having somebody there... I miss "watching movies" together, and cuddling, and holding hands, and kissing, and thinking about that "special person" 24/7, and just unable to wait until you get home to call them and hear their voice, and feeling loved, feeling wanted, feeling beautiful.

Fuck. It's been a long time since I've felt any of those things.... A really long time.